i lie a lot. i lie to others. i lie to myself. i lie about myself. i lie even to the people close to me. but i dont consider myself a "liar". that word can hurt. even though i lie so much, i dont want to be a liar. i don't lie on purpose usually. its a habit. my whole life ive been forced to lie about everything: who i am, what im doing, what ive done, etc. im so used to it. and dont get me wrong, i dont like lying. i hate it. it makes me feel so guilty but its so hard to control it. im working on it though. im trying to, at least.

im probably lying multiple times on this website without even knowing. a lot of this stuff with making the site has been hard because i've never been an honest or open person. im trying to be though. i want to be open and honest and free to say whatever i want. thats my goal. and im trying hard to reach it but i still fall back into my habits and what im used to. im hoping ill get better. and hey, maybe one day ill look back at this entry and think "wow ive changed". but who knows. i often try too hard to predict the future. maybe i should just work on myself and let what happens happens. i probably will still try to predict but what can you do, yknow?

mood: okayish